Natalie's Nook

I’ve come to realize that I’m a people *pleaser. I tend to seek out the comfort and pleasure of others before my own. To me that sounds like I’m selfless; but as soon as I utter the word “No” I’m selfish. I say “No” to save myself, only to end up feeling like complete crap knowing I’m going against the other person’s wishes. To sever my <insert idiom & cliche> Achilles’ heel, I have to pretend that I don’t care; after caring for way too long. I continuously tell myself that it’s ok, so I make it known that I’m not the bad guy….

I know, that sounds so messed up right?

Yeah, it may be; but it keeps me from continuously hurting more people than I can count. It keeps me from actually being as selfish as I know I can be. But I guess it’ll never keep people from pointing out what I didn’t do, or what I did do and how I was wrong for doing so.

I’ve come to realize that I’m a give my all from the beginning- type of person. You know the type that is all in from the jump; constantly putting in the effort, despite what I’m getting in return. I hate that I’m the type to put all of my eggs in one basket; knowing that they may not be cared for the way I need them to be. I’m not saying they’re better than other eggs, but they are as delicate. They need genuine gentle care. I need to be <insert label> handled with care, I’m fragile.

I’ve come to realize that at times my presence seems to be either excessive or inadequate. I can get too engrossed into something to the point where my passions uncontrollably spew out. Now I find myself being short with words and apologizing—that habit will die soon—, just incase I’m over expressing for that person’s liking. It appears I hold immeasurable standards, although I personally meet them; so why should I feel like I have to water myself down. Stoop. I should not feel like I have to dim the bright light I am…..but at times I do.

I’m often reminded of and scolded on the wrongs that I’ve committed, which results in getting less accolades for the rights— now I only wish to seek those from myself. My only wish is that there comes a point where the good I do out measures the bad.

Sorry to those who cannot compute the reasoning behind my written words, feelings, and actions; you should <insert idiom> try standing in my shoes. My moves may be wrong for some, but what about me? Damn, there I go being selfish. Not sorry.

*Note to self: <insert cliche> you can’t please everyone…….you shouldn’t.